sarah in nyc

Today was my last day of saying kaddish for my mother. Today is the last morning for a long time that I will see dawn breaking over Broadway. Amazon.com Widgets There was a group of us who had all experienced loss within a couple of weeks of one another. Over the past year I joined with people who were just ahead of me in feeling the trauma of their loss. As the year went on, others joined the roster of mourners.  As people's years of mourning drew to an end the group we were together, shifted and rearranged itself.  After shaharit was over, we all went out for breakfast together. There were a lot of us. Someone joked that it could have been a seder. I was very aware as I ate breakfast with my friends, my community, how we all drag one another through the shoals of grief. When I was saying Kaddish for my father I often thought of him during the service. This go around I realized that I had fewer thoughts of my mother during services. This go around I have been c...

Since my father died I have been going to morning minyan every day. I hadn't been going to services daily since I graduated from high school in 1978. In those days, when I went to services in school, I davened behind a mechitza . When I davened at my home synagogue, although I didn't daven behind a mechitza , services were still not egalitarian. While I was an enthusiastic participant, I didn't have the opportunity to lead services. I have led services occasionally in the intervening years. In the terror of standing before the ark, my voice has often come out pinched, choked and a little weird. It has been difficult for me to pace my breathing so that I could sing smoothly, and lead others comfortably. My synagogue is egalitarian, men and women lead equally. Like my father, or more accurately to honor my father, who was always on time, I try my best to be at services just before they start. That means, I'm often called upon to lead. Leading over and over, during the...